The Battle

    Trying to keep control of depression is a constant battle. There are some times when I feel totally safe and secure with only the minor creeping "what if..." in the darkest corner of my mind. That's the anxiety part trying to get past my mental defenses. I've had counseling and therapy most of my life, so I can fall back on techniques I was taught to combat all of the negative voices, but I am human. I get tired of holding up the walls.

    What has helped me, and continues to do so, has been to observe my own patterns, determine if they are healthy or unhealthy, and to correct the behaviors that I find feeding the depression/anxiety. Lately I've noticed that I've been extremely tired. I get home from work and just want to lie down on the couch and fall asleep. So that's what I've started doing. 

    This is a terribly unhealthy behavior. I LOVE sleep. I love to sleep for as long as I possibly can. I wish naps were incorporated into the adult work day. However, the sleep that I've been getting is excessive. This oversleeping leads to nothing being accomplished. Not accomplishing tasks leads me to believe that I am lazy and worthless. The thought that I'm worthless leads to more sleep. I've been in this cycle more than once. 

    My plan for nipping this in the bud before it can get out of my control is to work out 3 to 4 times a week. Vanessa and I have been dieting and exercising for quite some time, but vacation threw us off. We are trying to get back to the gym and a regular workout routine. I think both of us struggle with this because after work we feel like zombies. And we're really, really hungry. But if we stick to our goal, and I know we can, it will help both of us with our energy and mood. 

    If you're having a mental health issue I want you to remember that you're not alone, and you too can explore your own mind to figure out what you need to do to help yourself. For me, medication is a necessity. Sometimes I must return to therapy. But I do what I can to fight my depression a little bit at a time. 

   I want to help people who suffer from mental illness by sharing my own experiences. There will be more open and honest posts about dealing with depression and anxiety. I also hope to start gathering and posting resources here as well.

In the Meantime

In the Meantime

    I've been working on a post about the month of May for the past three months because that's who I am as a human being. I want my posts to be concise, meaningful, and structured. I want to be proud of what I write and post here. But, in the meantime, I'll just give you a quick update with a few gripes here and there.

• Never visit the DMV in Alabama.

      Trying to get my license and tags has a been a nightmare that I've shared with Vanessa for a while now. First, Vanessa went to a DMV in a location that shall not be named (coughArkadelphiacough) where she stated that she needed to get her license transferred. The woman who was working there looked her straight in the face and said, "Look around you! Do you really think that's gonna happen today?!" Question mark. Exclamation point.
      Needless to say, Vanessa left without getting her new license at that point. As we've tried to correct this problem we've run into more and more problems. We went to a license branch that said they couldn't transfer our licenses. They sent us to another branch. At that branch there were only 3 people working in the back so we sat there for about two or three hours before our ticket numbers were called. Oh, I also forgot to mention that we couldn't get our registration and tags at this branch, only the license. At least the staff were nice there.
      So, after waiting in a room filled with people complaining (rightfully so) about how awful the DMV experience was, we had to go somewhere else and wait in line again...30 minutes away. It's been quite the adventure.  

• Being the president of an organization, no matter how small, is a tremendous amount of work.

       I was elected president of an organization here on campus. Trying to keep up with all the dates, people, and duties is hard work. I have been humbled by the amount of information that I don't know. My officers ask me questions that I don't know the answers to. But I guess that's part of the process at this point. I'm just trying very hard to organize everything as best as I can. We have sooooo many events that we hold as an organization, that we collaborate on, and that we must attend in order to keep our funding and such. I'm trying my best with this, but it's definitely a source of anxiety. 

• Punching the clock is for losers.

      We had a change at work that requires me to log into a system and punch in and out of work. I suppose that wouldn't be so bad, but I have to log in from a computer at my work (can't do it on my phone) and the damn thing takes 3-5 minutes to load my time card. I. Hate. It.
      We also had an e-mail service switch that's been driving me up the wall. I can't get my work e-mail on my phone anymore which has really put a damper on my communication abilities as the president of a small organization. I'll have to remember to give out my personal e-mail. 

• This wasn't in the fine print when I was signing the contract to be a responsible adult.

      My sister and I tried to organize a get together to celebrate my super amazing brother who qualified to compete in the Iron Man World Championship in Australia. It kind of fell through at the last minute because we all have adult lives, so it was rescheduled. Of course, I don't think I'll be able to go because I picked up a Saturday gig that has a tight schedule (and I need the money). I've considered compiling a list of events and adventures that I've missed because of adulthood. But I'm pretty sure it would stop being funny after about the 5th thing on the list at which point it would become a terrifying nosedive into the sorrow of reality. 

When You Fall Off The Horse...

Falling Down

    I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop in Birmingham when I started writing this entry. It's called Lucy's Coffee and Tea, and I loved to go there after class to grab a scone and a coffee or a chai tea with steamed milk. That favorite ritual of mine changed about two months ago. I fell face first into a Research Technician job at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. "But, Jesie," you might say, "I thought you were in graduate school."
    You would be correct. I was in a graduate program at UAB, but the pace of the classes overwhelmed me and I fell behind. This didn't suddenly happen. This took place over several months. I had some trouble adjusting to the lightning-fast pace at which the dense material had to be memorized. Sometimes I had to memorize an entire two hours worth of lecture within only a day and then take a test on it. These tests were in excruciating detail down to the most seemingly meaningless minutia. Meanwhile, I also had to spend a good deal of time working in lab, preparing presentations, going to journal clubs (which meant more presentations), and taking care of SACNAS business. I was NOT prepared for such a full swing lifestyle. I also wanted more time with my Bham fam, including Vanessa. It was not possible to get the right amount of sleep and complete all of my tasks without isolating myself in a way that I didn't enjoy. I just fell down.
    But it's okay to fall down sometimes. I quickly realized that I needed a back-up plan. Luckily, I was in a position which offered me a great deal of opportunities. There are several biotech companies, hospitals, and research labs in the area. I have just the right skill set to appeal to the job market here. I applied to every research technician job that I could find at UAB, an assistant pathologist opening, and some other job openings at biotech companies in the area.

Standing Back Up

    I was hired on as a Research Technician in a laboratory in the Department of Medicine at UAB. This lab studies specific Sexually Transmitted Diseases/Infections. I LOVE my job! I get to look under a microscope for Trichamonas vaginalis, a sexually transmitted protozoan that can increase the chances of acquiring HIV. Most people have no symptoms, but if the infection is not treated it can last for years!

Trichamonas vaginalis from http://www.cdc.gov/std/trichomonas/stdfact-trichomoniasis.htm

I also culture and identify Garnerella vaginalis, a bacterium which is part of the common vaginal flora but can be related to infection if associated with other types of bacteria or imbalance of the vaginal flora. The lab that I work for looks for signs of Bacterial Vaginosis (BV), and an abundance of G. vaginalis is one of those signs. 
    I get to look at Trich pouches every morning. They're exactly what they sound like. They are little pouches filled with liquid that have been inoculated with a patient sample. If the patient has Trich they will grow in the pouch. I can see them under the microscope. Honestly, I think they're kind of cute. Here's a video by SuperLabGeek that is very similar to what I see under the microscope if a TV pouch is positive.
    Culturing G. vaginalis is my other favorite task. I take a patient sample swab and rub it on a Human Blood Tween (HBT) plate, put it in the incubator for a few days, and then see what grew up on it.

HBT Plate with bacterial growth (from StudyBlue's website).

The plates usually grow all kinds of bacteria when they first come out. I take bacteria from the plate that looks like G. vag and grow it up on another plate. Then I perform several biochemical tests to verify that what I have grown up is indeed G. vag. It's like playing a puzzle game. I enjoy it even if it seems disgusting. (Trust me, it's super gross!)
    That's what I've been up to after making the decision to leave graduate school. I will occasionally feel a pang of regret, but the reality of the situation helps me remember that I'm where I want to be now. Nothing is perfect, but I am happy. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Construction

Attention readers! You will notice several changes taking place on my blog over the next few weeks. I will be reconstructing it for some new purposes. I will explain and reflect on my experiences in Birmingham so far, and I'll also be throwing in a creative writing element because I want to return to some of my creative roots. I hope to be more active so that you'll actually have something to read. Hopefully, this will allow you to keep up with the events in my life and provide some interesting reading.